Lockdown Records presents...
A Hip-Hop Christmas.
You'll get such classics...
As "Santa Claus Is Coming on Moms..."
That's the shit, son!
"I'm Dreaming of a White Woman..."
and who could forget "Frosty the Dopeman"?
And how about "All I want for Christmas...
Is the Charges Dropped..."
"Deez Nuts Roasting On an Open Fire..."
"A Sleigh Ride In My '64..."
"Ante Up, Bitch, It's Christmas..."
and many more!
Yo, I'm gonna buy that shit, son!
Just $19. 95...
Aah!
I'm sorry! I didn't mean to smoke your relatives!
Please! No!
I didn't do it by myself!
Whitney and Bobby helped me!
Please! Help me!
Aah! Shit, son!
Wait! No! Please!
Oh! Oh, shit, son!
Oh, shit!
Oh, my God!
Aah! Oh, shit! I smell something burning!
Oh, stop! It's me!
I got an idea!
Oh, wait a second!
Hold on, Shorty!
Don't rescue me yet.
I'm getting high as a motherfucker!
Toke, toke, toke, toke!
Take it to the head! Take it to the head!
Oh, you take it like a bitch.
Put the Shorty down...
and I'll give you Funyons and Cheetos.
Oh, shit!
This shit burns more than a perm!
Aah!
Ha, ha, ha!
There's a whole lot of freaky shit...
going on in this house.
There's more to this story than the Professor told us.
Last night, I found a secret room...
and I found all these newspaper clippings...
about Hugh Kane.
He was a really evil man.
And I found a picture of his wife.
Oh, my God! She looks just like you.
You think?
She doesn't have as many split ends...
and her skin's not as oily as yours.
Oh, yeah. Yeah.
Sometimes you do this little squinty thing with your eyes.
It looks like you got Down Syndrome or something.
Oh, yeah, y'all look just alike...
except she got some perfect boobs...
and yours look like them old orangutan titties.
Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha! Shit, son!
I'll put you in the full nelson and lick them.
Ha, ha, ha, ha!
OK! Enough!
Anyway, I think she killed him...
and now he wants me.
Yeah. Right, bitch.
Morning, Dwight. Let me help you.
I don't need your help.
I can do it myself.
Aah!
OK. Professor, uh, we need to talk.
What is it, Dwight?
I think you should consider...
cutting the experiment short.
What?
This poltergeist is growing increasingly more violent.
I think we're all in danger here...
and I've got to put my foot down...
and stand up for what I believe in...
and say that we've got to pull the plug.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, Dwight.
I say when we pull the plug.
We are on the verge of greatness...
and I am this close to getting laid.
Now, the bus arrives on Monday.
No one leaves till then.
Here are the keys to the gate.
No one gets access to them.
Yes, sir.
Guys, I think the Professor's up to something.
I heard Dwight tell the Professor...
there could be a poltergeist in the house...
and that we could all be in danger!
Oh, no, son! Not a poltergeist!
What's a poltergeist?
I'm getting out of here.
No. We can't go anywhere. The gates are locked.
Dwight's the only one who has the keys.
- Baby, get my Vaseline. - I'll handle...
Get my Vaseline, a banana, and some duct tape.
I'm gonna break his legs.
I'm gonna fuck that little cripple up!
Guys, just give me five minutes alone with him.
I'll get the keys.
Hello, Dwight.
Oh.
Hi, Theo.
What you working on?
Uh, just a little experiment.
Oh. Work, work, work.
Is that all you ever do?
Well, there's a lot riding on this project.
You know, the Professor...
might have everyone else fooled...
but I know who the real brains...
behind this operation is.
Oh, yeah? You do, huh?
Mm-hmm. That's what turns me on about you.
You're so smart.
Ahh.
And those sexy eyes.
Ha ha. Oh!
Why don't I put some music on, huh?
Yeah. Music.
Wha...
You know, Dwight...
I hear you're the only one...
who has the keys to the gate.
Uhh...
Ha. That's true. It is. I'm...
Correct.
What if...
I wanted to borrow those keys?
Oh, dear sweet God in Heaven.
I... yaaa, I can't.
Oh, come on. Yes, you can, baby.
- No. - Please? I mean...
Look. You help me by giving me the keys...
and I'll help by giving you... [Zip]
Hey, wait, wait, wait! Whoa!
Hey, I don't need your help, OK, lady?
I can do it myself.
Woo-hoo!
Hey, look!
I'm tossing my own salad!
Ow!
Oh.
So this is your secret room.
Well...
this just isn't gonna work now, is it?
Oh, Professor.
Come over here.
Uh-huh!
This way, you big hunk.
Ahem.
Have we met?
Follow me.
Are you playing a little game?
Where are you?
Come here, baby.
Ha, ha, ha, ha!
No!
Aah!
- Is everybody here? - Yeah.
All right. Let's go.
- Oh! - Oh, shit, son!
He's not gonna let us out of here!
He's gonna kill us!
Oh, look. A rocket scientist.
All right. Quick. Everybody to the laboratory.
Move! Come on! Hurry up!
You all are fucked!
Lock the door.
OK. We have to destroy it.
That's great.
How are we gonna destroy what we can't see?
I got it!
We'll shave off our pubic hairs...
and wear the shampoo for two weeks!
No. Listen. Listen.
We're gonna use these guns.
They emit a bolt of concentrated energy...
which can damage the ectoplasmic cells...
and destroy the ghost.
Now, there's no more ammunition.
Conserve it. Use it wisely.
- Shut up. - Ow!
Ha, ha, ha, ha!
Hey! Hey! Hey! Conserve your ammunition.
My bad.
All right. Now, the only way...
we're gonna be able to track these ghosts...
is if we're all wearing one of these.
These are thermo goggles.
They work on the principle of body heat.
They're so powerful, they can detect...
where any bodily fluids have been...
even if they've been wiped clean.
What?
Ew.
Are my glasses crooked?
Now listen, that ghost may be invisible...
but we have the advantage of being armed...
with the most sophisticated high-tech equipment...
known to man.
How do we stay in touch with each other?
Do we have some walkie-talkies?
No. We have these.
Those is Dixie cups.
Well, we kind of ran short of funds...
after the guns and the goggles.
All right. Now let's split up.
Uh-uh! Uh-uh! Uh-uh!
Now wait a minute! Hold up!
How come every time some scary shit happens...
that we need to stick together...
you white people always say, "Let's split up"?
She's right. We should stick together.
Yes! That's what I'm saying!
She's right.
OK. You three, follow me.
Ain't that a bitch?
We're gonna die, y'all.
Ah. Did you hear that?
Hell, yeah.
Oh! Where's Shorty?
I don't know.
Shorty!
Oh.
Damn.
All right. You wait right here.
I'll be right back.
- OK. - All right.
- Wow. - What is this?
I don't know.
Looks like the furnace room.
- Let's go. - No, wait.
In that newspaper article...
it said that Hugh Kane was killed in the furnace.
Oh, wow. Look at this.
There's so many ashes, Buddy.
What are you doing?
Hold it.
Aah!
Let's split up. I'll meet you on the other end.
- OK. - Wait.
Good luck.
I love you!
Aah!
- Oh, Shorty! - Cindy!
There's a monster chasing me.
What are we gonna do?
- I got it! - Yeah?
Oh!
Shorty!
Aah!
Damn. Why does the little bitch...
got to bring that shit over here?
OK. Well, maybe she won't see me.
Somebody help me! Brenda!
Shit, she saw me.
OK. OK.
Oh! Aah!
Ohh!
Thank you, Lord!
Aah!
OK. Now let that shit just...
just mutilate her white ass and leave.
Damn, bitch, please die!
Oh, my God, Brenda! We're gonna die!
It would have just been you...
if you had just shut the fuck up!
It's coming!
What is it?
Is it a monster? Is it a monster?
Cindy?
This is a skeleton. This is bones.
Would you run from Calista Flockhart?
Shut your ass up.
Ha, ha, ha!
Look. He crazy now.
I'm sorry, Mr. Skeleton. Here.
Ha! Gotcha! Psych!
Have a nice trip.
Ha, ha, ha!
Hey, girl, I got an idea.
Come on.
SKELETON? Ha ha. Very funny.
Whoo!
Ooh!
Ha, ha, ha!
Now get on out of here!
Somebody gonna catch an ass-whupping...
when I come back.
Oh, Brenda, you are so brave.
You know, you really are my best friend, Cindy.
You guys OK?
- Yeah. - Please.
It takes more than a little bag of bones to scare me.
Wedgie!
Ha, ha, ha!
The ghost has Buddy!
Ah! My ass!
Brenda, do something!
OK!
Aah!
I thought I was your best friend.
Was.
I'm gonna miss you, girl!
Get my gun!
Oh!
Are you OK?
Ow.
Oh, my God, you're bleeding.
Come on. I think there's a first-aid kit in the lab.
Come on.
Ooh!
Huey... baby...
where are you?
My love? Are you there?
Huey? Baby!
Baby, I got to talk to you.
- No. Go away! - Baby? Oh!
Get away from me!
Come on, baby. We can work this out.
I mean, if we just stick together...
no one can hurt us, my love.
It was just a booty call!
Ow! Ooh! Ow! Oh!
Aah!
Why won't you talk to me?
Because you gave me crabs.
Aah!
You are the weakest link. Good-bye!
Aah!
Ooh. Hey.
How you doing? Ha, ha, ha!
Aah!
No, no. No kissing. No kissing.
No. Leave this on. Leave this on.
You look beautiful just like that.
Yeah. Yeah. Oh! Oh!
Oh, shit!
Ohh!
No, no, no.
Don't fuck it up. Ohh.
I've been thinking about this whole friendship thing.
I've never had a friend...
who cared for me the way you do.
I mean, there's Ray...
but he cares for me in a different way...
you know, like bringing me flowers...
and running my bath water.
And there's nights when I wake up screaming...
and I look over, and Ray's in my bed holding me.
Anyway...
seeing as how tonight may be our last night together...
I was thinking...
That we should take our friendship a little bit further.
- Yes. - Oh, Buddy!
I was thinking the exact same thing.
This might be our last night alive...
and I want to take full advantage of it.
I was thinking the same thing!
I want to be able to act out our innermost fantasies.
Oh, great.
Like...
I've always wanted to walk on the moon.
Huh?
Buuuuudyyyy.
Ha, ha, ha!
What about you, Buddy? What do you want to do?
Well...
He's in here.
Oh!
Aah! Aah! Aah!
Oh, my God. He locked us in.
You should call for help.
Hello! Hello. Can you hear me?
Come in! Come in!
Copy! Do you copy me?
We have a situation here!
Breaker!
Oh, my God.
They can't hear me!
Must be these walls or something.
OK. All right.
You stay down here. I'll go check upstairs.
OK.
Ow!
Ah!
- Do you need help or... - No!
OK.
What do I look like to you?
Just trying to be nice.
Cover me!
What do you want me to do?
Cover me!
Not literally. I'm serpentining!
They taught me that...
Merchant marines. Two years.
Spent two years on my belly in Danang.
- Yeah. - Look!
Look. Look what the cripple's doing.
Oh, shit.
Ow-ow-ow!
Look, I know you're proud. Just let me help you up...
Step it back, candy pants!
Fine.
Oh, what are we gonna do?
I'm cold.
I can't feel my body, I'm so cold.
Buddy, can you feel this?
No.
Try a little higher.
What about that?
Mm-mmm.
Keep rubbing. Ohh.
Oh, Buddy, I don't think I'm re...
Cindy, please! It's a matter of life and death.
I'm asking you...
in the name of love.
OK, Buddy.
In the name of love.
Ohh.
Mmm. Ohh.
Oh, Cindy...
I don't know how much longer I can hold on.
Don't you say your good-byes.
You're gonna get out of here...
and you're gonna go on...
and you're gonna have lots of little babies.
And you're gonna die an old man...
Old man.
Warm in his bed.
- Not here! - No.
- Not like this! - Amen.
- Do you understand me? - Oh, yeah.
Coming to this house was the best thing...
that ever happened to me.
Oh, me, too.
And for that... I am so thankful.
Oh, don't let go.
Never! I'll never let go!
- I feel weak. - Buddy!
- I'm com... - Come back!
Aah!
All right, Dwight Hartman...
it's your time to shine.
All right. Come on.
Come on, Kane.
Show yourself!
Look. I don't even need my thermal goggles.
Aah!
Ha, ha, ha!
Oh!
Aah!
Ah. Ah.
Ow!
That's right, mother...
Ha, ha, ha!
Whoa!
Ow-ow-ow!
Ha, ha, ha!
Aah!
Hey, Kane, you hungry?
How about a little snack of this?
Ha ha!
Aah!
Ow. Ow. No. Ow.
Ow-ow-ow.
Gotcha!
Aaargh!
I know what you're thinking.
Did I fire 3 shots or 117?
Well, do you feel lucky...
punk?
Do you... feel lucky?
Do you feel lucky, punk?
Shoot me, motherfucker!
OK. Fine.
Make your best move, ass bite.
- Raaa! - Aaah!
Oh. Whayaaa!
Whoa!
Whoo!
Aah!
Uh.
Help!
Here. Take my hand.
Ahh!
Come on.
You're gonna fall unless you take my hand...
No. Give me your other hand.
No. My other hand isn't strong enough.
You take my little hand.
No! Get it away from me!
Take it! Take my hand!
Aah!
Eww.
No.
No. Why me?
No. Come on. No.
I've served you well. Don't you do this to me.
No, please. Please, no.
Ple-ple-ple... Aah!
OK, Buddy.
It's time for us to get out of here.
Roger. Roger. Come in, Roger.
Ray, this is Cindy.
I don't want to talk to Cindy.
I want to talk to Roger.
Roger, where you at, man? Quit fucking around.
Ray, listen. The ghost is close.
He almost got us. Buddy's hurt.
- What's your location? - I'm right behind you.
Ray, thank God. OK. Where's Shorty?
I don't... I don't know.
He was here just a minute ago.
Listen, you go help Buddy in the lab.
- I'll go check upstairs. - All right.
Mmm. That smells good.
Hello, Cindy.
Say heloo to Cindy, Shorty.
Heloo... Cindy.
Shorty, are you OK?
Talk to me!
Morphine? Chloroform?
Horse tranquilizers? You drugged him!
I did not. That's all his stuff.
Yaah!
All right, Shorty.
Who's ready for the main course?
Me! Me.
Oh, Hanson, please.
No. Oh.
What the fuck?
Beetlejuice in the house.
This is your brains on drugs. Hee!
Oof.
Oh, shit, son.
Aah!
Oh.
Shorty!
Got me.
Cindy, what's going on?
It's Hanson. He's possessed.
Let's get him.
Whoo!
Ahh.
Angel style!
Hi-yah!
Aah!
Smack my bitch up
Aah!
Uh!
Whoo! OK.
Boo!
Come on.
Aah!
- Oh! - Aah!
Smack my bitch up
Aah!
OK.
Aaaaaaah...
Oh, nooo!
Oh!
Ohh.
Hee, hee, hee! Ooh!
Aah!
Hi-yi!
Aah!
Whoo!
Whoo! Oh! Ooh!
Ooh!
Ow.
Shit.
Ahh!
You OK, Dwight?
I... I can't feel my legs.
Aah! I can't feel my legs!
You never could.
You stay out of this, all right?
Now listen.
You get the others and meet us upstairs.
- All right? - OK.
You stay here.
Ray-Ray, I need your help. Give me your belt.
- Hi-yah! - Hah!
Heee!
Hmmm. The crane.
Ha!
The crouching tiger.
The drunken monkey.
Ooh, ooh, ooh ah, ah, ah!
The mad cow.
Motherfucker! Moo!
Aah!
The camel toe.
Yow-hi!
Get the hell out of there, guys!
Come on!
Ray, give me a 180.
OK. Listen. Someone has to go...
and lure him onto that platform.
All right. I'll go.
Cindy, let me...
No, Buddy!
I'm the one he wants.
Actually, I was saying...
let me have your computer if you die.
Oh.
OK. But as soon as he gets there...
you have to get off.
OK.
All right. 180 me.
Hugh Kane, it's me you want!
Come get me!
I'm not afraid anymore!
Show yourself!
Aah! Oh!
Aah!
Ooh.
Dwight, he's here. Do something.
I can't. She's still on the platform.
If I throw the switch, she'll die.
Cindy, get out of there! You'll get killed!
Aah!
Ha, ha, ha!
Move out of the way!
I'll get her!
Why is he running so slow?
Ray! Run faster!
OK!
Throw the switch!
Now you will be mine... forever!
Ray, you saved me.
Are you OK?
I'm fine.
I broke my fall.
Ohh. Ah.
Oh.
- Yes! - Yes!
Hey, y'all. What's going on?
Shorty, you made it. You're alive!
Yeah. It was traumatic.
It really was...
and it's taking me a while to get over it,
but, you know...
now that we're out of the house and back in school...
I just know that everything's gonna be OK.
Oh, God, will you shut the fuck up?
Why couldn't you have just left me there to die?
Give me a fucking rope. I'll hang myself.
Here I go. I'm hanging myself.
Hello?
Oh, hi, Dad.
Are you having fun on your vacation?
Oh, no. Birds are very clean animals.
He's no trouble at all.
Goddamn it!
What the fuck did you put in this birdseed?
Oh, Dad, Buddy's here. I got to go.
OK. I love you. Bye.
God, that was a big one.
- Hey, Buddy! - Surprise.
Open chest!
Oh! You got to be quicker than that, pencil dick.
Come on.
Hey, look out. A bee.
Buddy, I've never had anyone...
be so protective of me before.
That's what your man's supposed to do.
Two hot dogs.
Buddy, get him!
Buddy? Buddy?
I've come back for you.
No! This can't be happening!
Mm-hmm. It is happening.
Now we're gonna be together forever.
Nooooo!
Yes!
Did you hear something?
No. I didn't hear nothing.
Ohh.
If you want to go and take a ride wit me
Wit 3 women in the fo wit the gold CD's
Oh, why do I live this way?
Hey, must be the money
If you want to go and get high with me
Smoke a I in the back of the Benzie
Oh, why must I feel this way?
Hey, must be the money
If you want to go and take a ride wit me
Wit 3 women in the fo with the gold d's
Oh, why do I live this way?
Hey, must be the money
If you want to go and get high wit me
Smoke a I in the back of the Benzie
Oh, why must I feel this way?
Hey, must be the money
Yo, I know something you don't know
And I got something to tell ya
You won't believe how many people
Straight doubted the flow
Most said that I was a failure
But now the same motherfuckers
Asking me for dough
And I'm yelling, "I can't help ya"
Yo, Nelly, can we get tickets to the next show?
Hell, no, you for real?
Hey, yo, now that I'm a fly guy
And I fly high
Niggas wanna know why, why I fly by
But, yo, it's all good
Range Rover all wood, do me like you should
Fuck me good, suck me good
We be the stud niggas, wishing you was niggas
Popping like we drug dealers
Sipping crissy, bud making
Honey in the club, me in the Benz
Icy grip telling me to leave
Wit you and your friends
So if shorty wanna knock, we knocking to dis
And if shorty wanna rock, we rocking to dis
And if shorty wanna pop, we popping the cris
Shorty wanna see the ice, then I ice the wrist
City talk, Nelly listen, Nelly talk, city listen
Wanna fuck fly bitches, when I walk, pay attention
See the ice and the glist, niggas staring on the glist
Honeys look, no, they wish
Come on boo, give me kiss, come on
If you want to go and take a ride wit me
Wit 3 women in the fo with the gold d's
Oh, why do I live this way?
Hey, must be the money
If you want to go and get high wit me
Smoke a I in the back of the Benzie
Oh, why must I feel this way?
Hey, must be the money
She kept it coming, coming
She kept it coming, coming, coming
Hey, what's up, dog? Have a seat, peep
What I'm about to tell you real, man
This shit gets real deep
About a week ago or so when I saw you up in the spot
With that chick that was hot
But whatever
To make a long story shorter
She slipped me the number
Though I really didn't wanna, uh-uh
And as the crowd is my witness, believe me
I was minding my own business and she teased me, yeah
She kept buying me and following me, see
And the fact she was exotic wasn't making it easy
She got close to me
I'm like, "Lord forgive me"
No one's around, she went down
Man, you get the picture be
It was hypnotic, and she was so erotic
I tried, but I just couldn't stop it
She kept it coming
It was hypnotic and so erotic
I tried, but I just couldn't stop it
She kept it coming
I was in a similar situation
One of my boys once invited me
With his family on a Christmas vacation
I went to Ross and bought a present and everything
- But I kept it - Why?
'Cause it looked dope on me
They had a house on the beach in Maui
I had no idea that they were that rich
His mom was a fat bitch
But his sister was hot
I told myself not to touch it
Even though I want to fuck it
I have a history of not listening to me
She walked out in a bikini
Where no one could see me, believe me
- I tried real hard - What happened?
Then my dick got real hard
It was hypnotic, and she was so erotic
I tried, but I just couldn't stop it
She kept it coming
It was hypnotic and so erotic
I tried, but I just couldn't stop it
She kept it coming
It was hypnotic, and she was so erotic
I tried, but I just couldn't stop it
She kept it coming
It was hypnotic and so erotic
I tried, but I just couldn't stop it
She kept it coming
It was hypnotic and so erotic
I tried, but I just couldn't stop it
She kept it coming
It was hypnotic, she was so erotic
I tried, but I just couldn't stop it
She kept it coming
It was hypnotic and so erotic
I tried, but I just couldn't stop it
She kept it coming
It was hypnotic and so erotic
I tried, but I just couldn't stop it
She kept it coming
It was hypnotic and so erotic
I tried, but I just couldn't stop it
She kept it coming
Ooh, when it's dark outside
All my fears arise
When it's dark outside
All my fears
Sun's gone down, the light's all gone
Big-ass house and we're alone
I hear voices, what I'm-a do?
Hear those noises, what I'm-a do?
What's my choice here, run like a fool?
I'm long gone
- Shh. - What's that sound?
Everybody look what's floating round
Not too sure of what I see
All I know is it's scaring me
Ooh, when it's dark outside
All my fears arise
When it's dark outside
All my fears
And just when you think it's over
Some new sound is coming towards me
Getting loud
I hear noises, where I'm-a go?
Hear those voices, head for the door
What's my plan? Don't know anymore
Something's wrong
- Shh. - What's that sound?
Everybody look what's going down
And why won't you let me be?
Go right now, you're scaring me
Ooh, when it's dark outside
All my fears arise
When it's dark outside
All my fears
Ooh, when it's dark outside
All my fears arise
When it's dark outside
All my fears
Here's something, so get back
Shorty looking at me like, "Yo, let me hit that"
Footsteps in the dark, whatcha gone do?
I was talking to this chicken
Oh. Shit.
Is this a poltergeist or a heist?
She robs some
All the jewels, murdering tools
We got some
Like cha-cha
Ready to open up shop
Wreak havoc on the block
Now love it, don't stop
Come on
Ooh, when it's dark outside
All my fears arise
Ooh, when it's dark outside
All my fears arise
When it's dark outside.